From the Palmers

6 a.m saturday morning and John is lining up on the 1st tee box when a voice comes over the public address system; "Will the gentleman on the ladies tee please move back to the mens tee". Ignoring this and continuing to ready for his shot John takes a couple of practice swings and again the voice repeats the directive. John ignores it again, and in the middle of his back swing the voice now upset says "Will the guy on the ladies tee move back to the mens tee now!" John stops turns and looks directly at the starter and says "Will the guy with the microphone please shut the hell up so I can make my second shot".

From Mike Bogen

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit. Tiger Woods drives his new Volvo into an Irish gas station. an attendant greets him in a typical Irish Manner, unaware who the golf pro is. Top o" the morning...etc.... As tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "So, what are those, son? asks the attendant. "they're called tees." replies Tiger. "And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman "Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive." replies Tiger. "Jaysus, Mary an" Joseph!" exclaims he Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Volvo think of everything"

From Charles Daniels

A threesome, just about to tee off on the 16th, notices a single player walking up to the 15th green. They watch as he drops a 40 foot putt. The threesome decides to ask this man to play in with them.

After the round is finished, they invite the man to join them the next day. "What time do you play" he asks. "We tee off at 8:00am" is the response. "Great! I'll be here at 8:00, maybe 8:05."

Next morning the stranger arrives, plays 18 with them, tying the course record. "Wow you're pretty good" he's told. "How about joining us again tomorrow?" "Certainly, what time?" Of course, they have a standing tee time of 8:00am. The stranger again says "be here at 8:00, maybe 8:05."

Next day, the stranger arrives at 8:00, plays left-handed, and breaks the course record. Amazed, the group askes how he does it. "Well, when I wake up in the morning, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her right side, then I play right-handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, then I play left-handed." One of the men asks him "What if she's sleeping on her back?"

"Then I get here at 8:05!"

From Mike Bogen

Jim and Bob were golfing one fine day, when Jim, an avid golfer, slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. Jim takes his 8 iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine, in search of his lost ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently for his errant ball. Suddenly Jim spots something shiny. As he nears the location of the shiny object, Jim realizes that it is an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Jim excitedly calls for his partner Bob. "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here." Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out to Jim, "What's the matter?". Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, "Bring me my 7 iron. You can't get out of here with an 8."

From Shane McCune

On the first hole, a duffer hits his drive into the woods. Seeing a narrow gap leading towards the green, he succumbs to temptation and slashes at the ball. It hits a tree, bounces back and nails him between the eyes, killing him instantly. Seconds later he's at the pearly gates, still clutching his five-iron. "I see you're a golfer," says St. Peter. "Are you any good?" "Well," the duffer replies, mustering what dignity he can, "I got here in two, didn't I?"

From Mike Bogen

A man playing as a single at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself. He replied that he and his wife had played the course every year for over 20 years, but this year she had passed away. He kept the tee time in her memory. The twosome commented that this was very thoughtful, indeed, but certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot. "I thought so too," he replied, "but they all wanted to go to the funeral."

From Antone Ornellas

A golfer finishes his round of golf and goes down the road heading home. On the side of the road is this good looking girl standing by her car looking at a flat tire. The golfer says to himself "Oh well" and pulls over behind her car and proceeds to change her flat.

When he is finished she thanks him profusely,and invites him to have a drink with her at a nearby Bistro. As they are sipping their third cocktail the Western Band strikes up, and the girl says, "I just love Western music, would you mind very much dancing with me"? "Not at all", he says. Well one thing leads to another and he finds himself in the sack with her at the local motel. Later looking at his watch he remarks," I had no idea it was so late I have to go".

Arriving home he finds his wife, arms crossed, and an angry expression on her face; "and just where have you been?" she asks." "Well Honey", he mutters, I can't lie to you", and he proceeded to tell her about the flat tire, the drinking and dancing, and finally about his infedility. Glaring angrily at him, she shouts, "Don't lie to me", you played another nine holes didn't you"?

A couple of newlyweds were out playing a round of golf on their honeymoon in Florida. They both teed off two beautiful drives and carted off down the fairway. On their way to find their balls they stopped momentarily to give eachother a kiss. Unfortunately, they were parked directly underneath a bee's nest. A bee swooped down and stung the young woman. Her husband decided to take her to the emergency room not knowing if she was allergic to the sting or not. The couple arrived and were sent in to see the doctor. The doctor asked the young lady where the bee stung her. She replied, "Between the first and second hole." The doctor thought about that for a second and answered, "Well, young lady, I believe your stance is too wide."

From Bob Therrien

One day as a fellow was playing a round a golf he hits his tee shot to the left into some trees. As he approached his ball he noticed it was resting up against an old bottle. As he went to move the bottle, out pops a Genie who is very grateful and exited. The Genie says to the man who moved the bottle, "Thank you so much I've been trapped in that bottle for 200 years. I have the power to offer you three wishes which will be granted no matter what you ask".

The golfer says "No thank you. I'm glad I could be of help but I'm quite content with my life as it is".

The Genie thought it was rather strange and knowing the nature of men decided to grant him three wishes without the mans knowledge. "First I will make him very rich, then I will make him a great golfer, and finally I will make him a great lover".

One year later on the same golf course, the same golfer runs into the Genie who is happily romping around the golf course enjoying his freedom. The genie sees the man and says to him "Happy to see you sir. Again I want to thank you for saving me from that awful bottle. How is your life going?" "You wouldn't believe it" says the golfer, I've become a very wealthy man, and my golf game is so great that everyone wants to be my partner. Life is great." The genie then asks "How is your love life?". "Oh that's been great too...why I'm getting sex once and sometimes twice a week." The Genie then confesses how he granted the wishes and asks "I can't understand why your not getting more sex, I granted you the ablity to be a great lover". "Hey", says the man, " for a Chatholic Priest in a small town, I'm not doing too badly"

From Jay Caruso

A guy goes to the golf course one day by himself for a quick round of 18. The pro says to him "If you hurry there is a nice looking women on the 1st tee and she is by herself. She is also a real good golfer." Then man went to the tee and asked if he could join her. She said fine.

The day was great. The man and the woman were getting along great. After the round was over the guy says "Would you like to get a drink I had a real nice time." The woman says yes. At the bar the guy asks if she would like to get dinner, and again she replies yes. Everything is going great so far so he says "I've been having a wonderful time tonight, would you like to go back to my place and fool around." The woman replies "I would love that, but I only give oral sex on the first date, is that a problem." The man says no problem and they go back and fool around. After he askes if she would like to play golf again tomorrow and she says that would be great.

After they play they do the same as the night before, again only oral sex. So this continues for the whole week, and they are both so happy. At the end of the week the guy says "I have to tell you I really think I am falling in love with you." She says "That's great because I think I'm in love with you too. But there is something I really have to tell you. I am a man!" The man goes absolutely nuts. Screaming and swearing. Finally she says "I take it you are upset." And he screams "YES I am mad. You've been playing the red tees all week!!!"

From Mike Marley

Two friends had arranged a round of golf and were now on the first tee, preparing to start their game at 7 a.m. Just as the first was half way up his backswing, a good looking young lady ran across the course about 10 yards in front of him, peeling off her clothes as she went until she was totally naked. As she disappeared into the woods he turned, dazed, to his companion, "What was that about?!!!" "Take no notice. Just get on with the game," replied the other. Settling down and lining up for his drive, the first golfer then noticed four men in white coats running across the course on a similar track to the young lady. "What......???!!!" "Look. Just get on with the game," said the second. "We don't have all day, and you know the course closes at 9 p.m.," the second says with a chuckle. For the third time the golfer squared up to the ball, only to be distracted by another man in a white coat running across the fairway, lugging two buckets of sand. "Now, hold on a minute," said the first golfer, "I'm not playing until you tell me what's going on." "OK." said the second. "Just over the wall there is an asylum. The young lady is a patient who escapes and runs around naked from time to time. The guys in white coats are chasing her." "I'll buy that," said the first, "but what's with the guy and the two buckets of sand?" "He's the guy who caught her the last time. That's his handicap."

From Charles Spencer

Jesus, Moses, and another guy are out playing a round of golf. On one par four, Moses tees up, and slices badly into the water. Undaunted, he walks over, raises his arms and the lake's waters part for him. He walks into the lake bed, and chips on. Jesus also slices his tee shot badly, and it skips across the water coming to rest on a lilly pad. Jesus stolls across the lake to the pad, and chips on. The third man hooks his tee shot into the woods, wich bounces off a tree, off of an outhouse, rolls into the lake, and gets swallowed by a frog. A hawk comes flying by and snatches up the frog in its talons, and while being carried over the green, the frog coughs up the ball and it bounces into the hole. Upon seeing this, Moses turns to Jesus and says:" Man, we should know better than to golf with your dad!"

From Mike Marley

A pretty decent golfer enters a tournament and is assigned a caddie.
On the first day, the golfer misses a few easy shots and turns in a poor round.
He tries to forget about the first round, but on the second day,
he scores even worse. The third day -- worse yet.

By the last day of the tournament, he's so disconcerted that he can't even
break 100. Finally on the last hole, after one final chili-dipped
9-iron he looks at his caddie, who has been very patient all week-end, and shouts:
"You've got to be the worst caddie alive!"

The caddie thinks about this for a second, shrugs, and replies,
"No, I don't think so, sir. That'd be too much of a coincidence!"

From Robert Thomas

Question:
What club do you use in a thunder storm?

Answer:
A "One Iron". Because not even GOD can hit a One Iron.

From Brian Howard

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself
with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried
and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he
had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman
shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man
as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly.
He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and
didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and
the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree
right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot
the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age
I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard,
hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk
and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had
originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age
that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

From Mike Marley

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar.
Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone
into the top 10 so all in all I think it is pretty good.
By the way how's the golf."

Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to
but I am still making a bit of money. I have had some problems with my
swing but I think I have got that right now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong
I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it,
then the next time I play it seems to be alright."
Jack Nicklaus says: "You play golf!"
Stevie Wonder says: "Yes, I have been playing for years."
And Nicklaus says: "But I thought you were blind,
how can you play golf if you are blind?"

He replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway
and he calls to me, I listen for the sound of his voice
and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where
the ball lands the caddy moves to the green or further down
the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But how do you putt", asks Nicklaus.
"Well", said Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down
in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground
and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Nicklaus says: "What is your handicap."
Stevie says "Well I play off scratch."
Nicklaus is incredulous and he says to Stevie Wonder:
"We must play a game sometime."
Wonder replies: "Well people don't take me seriously
so I only ever play for money, and actually
I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."

Nicklaus thinks about it and says "O.K. I am game for that,
when would you like to play."
Stevie Wonder turns around and says "I don't mind,
any night is fine."


From Randy Waite

One Sunday morning a Catholic priest wakes up and notices it's a gorgeous day - so beautiful that he couldn't possibly turn away from playing golf.
So he decides to play but has one problem. The priest has to say Mass in just a couple of hours. The priest thinks, then asks another priest if he would say his masses today because wasn't feeling well. The other priest agrees.
So now the first priest is off to the golf course. He decides to play a course outside of town thinking that way no one could possibly see him playing golf, since he was suppose to be sick. Right before he tees off on the first hole, St. Peter turns to Jesus and says "Are you going to let him get away with that?"
Jesus replies "No, I guess not."
So the priest tees off on the first hole, the longest par 4 on the course. He hits the ball and to his surprise sinks it in!!! A hole in one!!!
St. Peter turns to Jesus and says "I thought you weren't going to let him get away with lying?"
Jesus replies: "I'm not."
St. Peter then says, "Well, he just made a hole in one on the longest par 4 of the course!!!"
Jesus turns to St. Peter and says, "Yes, but who is he going to tell???"

From Al Moore

A golfer is lining up his putt on the eighth green one morning when a funeral procession drives by. He immediately stops, removes his cap and bows his head until the procession passes.
One of his playing partners is impressed by this show of respect and comments on it to which the golfer replies "It's the least I can do, after all, we had been married for 28 years."

From Glen Ashbey

A man stranded on a tropical island is amazed to see a gorgeous female scuba diver walking out of the water in a very low-cut wet suit. He runs to greet her and tells her he hasn't seen another human in five years.
"Sounds like you could use a drink," she says as she unzips one of her pockets and offers the man a flask of 12 year old Scotch.
"That's the best drink I've ever had!" he exclaims.
"Would you like a smoke?" she asks as she unzips another pocket on her suit and offers the man a Cuban cigar.
"This must be the best cigar in the world!" he shouts as he blows smoke rings in the air.
As she begins to unzip the front of her wet suit, she asks with a wry smile, "Would you like to play around?"
"You're kidding, you got golf clubs in there, too!??"

From I. J. Cohen

Two new neighbors were paired up to play a round together. They were playing behind two ladies who were playing rather slowly. One of the guys suggested that his buddy go ask them if they could play through.

When the first guy returned he explained that he could not say anything because one of the ladies was his wife and the other his mistress.

The second guy proceeded to walk up the fairway but retuned before reaching the ladies explaining he had the same problem.

From Robert James

Jesus and Moses were golfing one day. When they came to a hole with a water hazard in front of the green, Moses told Jesus to lay up short and chip to the green.
Jesus said "Arnold Palmer can make the green from here, so can I."
Jesus shot and landed in the water. Jesus said "Darn", walked on the water, reached in and got his ball. He walked back, dropped his ball and swung again. Again he landed in the water.
After Jesus retrieved his ball for the third time, Moses again told him to lay up short but, Jesus wouldn't listen, insisting that if Arnold could make it so could he.
After hitting the ball for the fourth time, he went to go get it. While he was walking across on the water two golfers came over the hill. One shouted at Moses, "Who does he think he is, Jesus"?.
"No" shouted Moses, "he thinks he's Arnold Palmer".

From Wayne A. Lynch

A man and his wife are playing golf together when he slices his tee shot well off the fairway, landing near an old barn. Upon surveying the shot he determines that he can either take a wedge and play over the barn, safely back on the fairway, or try a long shot with a 3 iron down the side of the barn to the green. He elects to try the 3 iron. But the ball strikes the side of the barn, bounces back, hitting his wife right between the eyes, killing her.
Well, needless to say the man didn't play for quite sometime. When he did finally return with a friend to play again, sure enough he hit the same shot, slicing his tee shot behind the barn.
Looking over the shot he asked his friend to hand him his wedge. His friend said, "No..look, you can take your 3 iron and try for the green."
The man said " Are you kidding me? Don't you know what happened last time I tried that shot?"
The friend looked puzzled. "What happened?"
"I made boggie".

From Mike Marley

A golfer playing with his partner in an alternate-shot tournament drives his tee shot
to the edge of the green on the first par-3.

His partner, playing the second shot, sculls his chip shot right over
the green and into a bunker.

Undaunted, the first golfer recovers with a fine shot to within two-feet of the hole.

The second golfer pushes the 2-footer just right of the hole,
leaving the first golfer to finally putt the ball in.

Walking towards the next tee, the first golfer says dejectedly,
"Do you realize that we just took five strokes on an easy par-three?"

"Yes," his partner disgustedly replies, "and don't forget who took three of them!"

From Sue McGurran

One morning on the first tee, two guys ,who apparently had not any arranged playing partners, looked at each other and one asked the other if he would like to play a round together?
The other fellow says, "Yes, I would as long as you don't mind my little dog coming along with us!"
"Heck No" he says, and off they go. The pair make the turn and get to the thirteenth green. The fellow with the dog has a very difficult 30 ft. putt, side hill and downhill. He addresses the ball and sends it on its way. It goes out and turns toward the hole and goes right dead center of the hole and drops in. The guy's little dog jumps up on his hind legs and starts to dance.
Well, seeing this trick the other golfer looks at the dogs owner and says "Wow! That's a smart dog you have there! What would he do if you had missed the putt??"
"Oh", he exclaimed, "he does somersaults!"
"Somersaults..how many does he do?"
"Well," says the dogs owner "....that depends on how hard I kick him!!!"

From Jim Wright

The Pope met with the Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, leader of the Jewish nation.
"Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine who are superior - Jews or Catholics - by challenging you to a golf match."
The Pope was greatly disturbed as he had never played golf in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "We'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal so he can play Shimon Peres....we can't lose!"
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match.
"I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second!?" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres!!??"
"No," said Nicklaus, "I came in second to Rabbi Palmer."

From Ted Armstrong
Playing golf for the first time with a new acquaintance, we were on the first hole, which was a long par four with water to the right and a deep ravine to the left.
My new playing partner takes out a brand new sleeve of balls, tees one up and immediately hits it into the water on the right.
Seemingly unconcerned, he takes another ball from the sleeve and hits it into the ravine. Then he takes the last ball from the sleeve and hits it into the water.
Going back to his bag, he reaches in and pulls out another brand new sleeve of balls.
"Why don't you hit an old ball?" I asked.
"I've never had an old ball", he replied.



From Beth Madill

An ardent golfer visited the fortune teller with one thing on his mind. He asked the fortune teller: "Are there golf courses in Heaven?"
The fortune teller replied: "I have good news, and I have bad news..."
"What's the good news?", asked the golfer.
"The good news is that the golf courses in heaven are the most beautiful you could imagine!"
Amazed, the golfer asked "How could there be any bad news with that?"
The fortune teller said: "You have a tee-time at 8:30 tomorrow morning."

From David Wood

There were these two best friends out playing golf one beautiful day.
After hitting their tee shots, both noticed that neither was even close to the fairway.
One friend hit it way left, the other way right.
They decided that since the shots were so bad, they'd just meet up at the green.
So the first guy went off and looked, and looked and finally
found his ball sitting down deep in a field of buttercups.
He promptly pulled out his seven iron and started wacking away. Buttercups were flying everywhere,
but the ball wouldn't come out. Well, finally Mother Nature got mad.
She came up from the ground and said to the man, "I've created this beautiful field
of buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined.
I'm going to have to punish you. Since these are buttercups,
your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year."
The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the buttercups.
Mother Nature said, "Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find so funny?"
The man looked up and said, "My buddy is over on the otherside in the pussywillows."

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